Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Shooting Question

A friend called the other night for other reasons. He happens to be the friend who introduced me to firearms.

"So, are you still shooting?"

He was pleased to hear that I am. I'm sure I am like anyone else. I don't get to the range as much as I'd like for several reasons. The funny thing is, other people ask me this question from time to time, people I don't expect to ask. This makes me realize that I am becoming identified as someone who shoots. I am not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure what that means, honestly.

I read others, consider my own ideas and keep and open mind but I cannot deny the power behind this habit or hobby I have picked up. While I wrestle with the questions of my own belief system, my 7yr old nephew is in love with guns. It has been 9 months since I have fired my first gun. Now it is time to reconcile some of the questions that go along with that.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Giving Up On Altering My Mind

It has been six days and counting. At first I thought, "sure, I can go to a few meetings, it will all be fine." That was day one after the first meeting. That was after the sobbing and the fear and the apprehension of walking into a strange place where everyone could read the sign on my huge forehead that said "newcomer."

That was really my second thought. My first thought was, "Oh my god, I need to figure out how to stop destroying myself." My good friend, my best friend, was sitting there once again, trying not to repeat what he's said again and again and again when I finally made a decision to change my behavior. I could feel his words upon me even when he wasn't saying them; get the shit out of my life, simplify, stop getting in my own way. Then there was my counselor's words. He had given me The List of things I could do to deal with my pain and angst; go to the gym, breathe, meditate, go to a meeting, call someone I trust. This was not a list I really wanted to work off of, but again, I didn't have a choice anymore.

Nobody wants to be a stereotype. I have friends who have responded as if I have joined a cult. All I do know is that it has only been six very long days and I am proud to be where I am instead of with my head in the toilet somewhere or in a bar when the sun comes up.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Checking In

It has been a while. Sometimes, writing has to take a backseat to living and figuring a few things out. I, myself, have figured out, through some help, that my own pain and confusion will diminish slowly. I know however, that I will never be able to change what happened to me and that I will have to honor that by holding my head up without shame. I am not responsible and I will never know why it occured.

I have quit my job so I am looking for another job. I am trying to find something where I actually go to work every day for someone who works in the legitimate world where the industry has nothing to do with sex, drugs or illegality of any kind. Funny, I think other people don't even have to consider that when looking for a job.

Forward instead of back. Every activity that seems to help has me looking forward. Shooting pool, pictures, guns whatever - all forward. When I am looking back I cannot protect myself, my counselor warns. Looking behind me is a skill that does not work for me and one that I have worn for too long. Time to let it go with a lot of other well-worn habits that are only harming me. I've been hurt enough. I certainly don't need to hurt myself anymore.