Friday, April 28, 2006

Resolution

i thought a lot about what to write here. It has been a year since I told my family what i experienced as a child. I knew it would never result in resolution like it does on television, but somehow I still have expectations that haven't been met. "Make sure that your family doesn't go on like nothing ever happened" was what my psychiatrist had said about the whole event a year ago. I have failed miserably in this pursuit. My family has gone on like I was never hurt, like the molestation never happened.

As a result of my own patterns of denial, I have let this occur. Afterall, I don't want to have conversations about the events of those years. I don't even want to think about them. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't seem to get it and I continue to have nightmares and let the events of my prepubescent years inform every decision and non-decision I make today. I am 36 years old. I need to move on and put this behind me. I don't know how.

I am angry with my parents for being there and doing nothing. It makes me more angry when they do nothing now. I won't tell them that because I don't want them to hurt, which is strange because I do want them to hurt. I want them to acknowledge the fact that my life hasn't really begun because I am still there, twelve years old and violated. I felt and I feel responsible for what happened to me. Why didn't I tell anyone? How many others like me have sat on oprah's couch and I've thought, "silly! It's not their fault." If only I could apply that to my own life.

Resolution is something that has to come from me. By living a new life informed not by the negative events of my past but by active participation in my future, I may find what I am looking for, whether my parents suffer or not.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Steam Dragon said...

I object, your honor!
The paradigm is compleatly bass ackwards.
The defendant has not failed in any way, simply because it was never the defendants duty to protect and resolve these issues.

Rather it is the failure of the parents to fulfil their duty to protect, and their WILFUL refusal to resolve the issue at hand (Re: molestation by the brother) that brings us to the current conflict.
***
Red, while the issues between me an my parents, are nothing compared to yours, I have not spoken to them in 20 years.
My current family fulfils the needs of "I belong" rather well.
There are a lot of good folks out there, so don't choose to be anyones victim. Not even your families.

29/4/06 11:19 AM  
Blogger Zendo Deb said...

You are not the one who failed.

Your family failed. Then and now.

29/4/06 3:41 PM  

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