Friday, April 28, 2006

Resolution

i thought a lot about what to write here. It has been a year since I told my family what i experienced as a child. I knew it would never result in resolution like it does on television, but somehow I still have expectations that haven't been met. "Make sure that your family doesn't go on like nothing ever happened" was what my psychiatrist had said about the whole event a year ago. I have failed miserably in this pursuit. My family has gone on like I was never hurt, like the molestation never happened.

As a result of my own patterns of denial, I have let this occur. Afterall, I don't want to have conversations about the events of those years. I don't even want to think about them. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't seem to get it and I continue to have nightmares and let the events of my prepubescent years inform every decision and non-decision I make today. I am 36 years old. I need to move on and put this behind me. I don't know how.

I am angry with my parents for being there and doing nothing. It makes me more angry when they do nothing now. I won't tell them that because I don't want them to hurt, which is strange because I do want them to hurt. I want them to acknowledge the fact that my life hasn't really begun because I am still there, twelve years old and violated. I felt and I feel responsible for what happened to me. Why didn't I tell anyone? How many others like me have sat on oprah's couch and I've thought, "silly! It's not their fault." If only I could apply that to my own life.

Resolution is something that has to come from me. By living a new life informed not by the negative events of my past but by active participation in my future, I may find what I am looking for, whether my parents suffer or not.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

A Good Start

Happiness has hit with great force and I am so grateful. There are so many people who have helped me through in a multitude of ways and "thank you" feels so small compared to the large feelings I have. Hopefully I have been successful in communicating that in some way.

I am enjoying the good, the feeling that everything is alright and I don't need to look ahead twenty steps to make sure that I won't fall. Certain people have proven to me, time and again, that they are there to catch me anyway. Even people I don't know.

Somewhere, on a tropical island, it all fell into place for me. Pouring rain under the lanai day after day had me talking to myself, banging my head against the wall until I finally gave into the wait. That was when I gave in to it all, and received back a life that I love. That is more than a good start.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Coming Soon

A crazy work vacation, no wifi, no connectivity at all. I'm coming back . . . soon. Look out.