Friday, March 17, 2006


Molestation is all over my tv. Oprah's talking to a football player who was molested as a child. I don't know why I watch, and then I do. He says it took his "manhood."

I spend a lot of time angry with myself for not saying anything when it was happening. I could have said something so many times and didn't. I don't think I was afraid of my brother as much as I feared the reactions of the rest of my family and what would happen within my world as a result. What's a little molestation compared to the shame it would cast over them? Keeping that shame to myself and convincing myself it didn't matter was a lot easier than shaking my nicely compartmentalized world.

Dirty. That's how it feels. It's filthy and it has rubbed off on me for too long. I want to seize opportunities in my life now to succeed, to move ahead but I don't make those choices. I keep making the same non-choices in order to just stand still. I am a minimalist. I want to disappear.

I realize that I want recognition from my brother of some sort. That is something I may never get. For someone who is best at making non-choices, it is pretty frightening to think that I may need to go and talk with him. This is a thought that I may bury like everything else.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can either deal with the pain today, right now, get it over with and get on with life or you can harbor the pain for eternity. Do it now and get on with the rest of life before you realize it's over.


18/3/06 12:27 PM  
Anonymous Steam Dragon said...

Red, I've been thinking about this since the day you posted it.
I have come to realize that I cannot offer anything other than my good wished for you.
For not being able to understand, having not the experience, I am truly sorry.

30/3/06 5:08 AM  

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