Friday, March 17, 2006

Molestation

Molestation is all over my tv. Oprah's talking to a football player who was molested as a child. I don't know why I watch, and then I do. He says it took his "manhood."

I spend a lot of time angry with myself for not saying anything when it was happening. I could have said something so many times and didn't. I don't think I was afraid of my brother as much as I feared the reactions of the rest of my family and what would happen within my world as a result. What's a little molestation compared to the shame it would cast over them? Keeping that shame to myself and convincing myself it didn't matter was a lot easier than shaking my nicely compartmentalized world.

Dirty. That's how it feels. It's filthy and it has rubbed off on me for too long. I want to seize opportunities in my life now to succeed, to move ahead but I don't make those choices. I keep making the same non-choices in order to just stand still. I am a minimalist. I want to disappear.

I realize that I want recognition from my brother of some sort. That is something I may never get. For someone who is best at making non-choices, it is pretty frightening to think that I may need to go and talk with him. This is a thought that I may bury like everything else.

Friday, March 10, 2006

misc.

This is basically a bunch of thoughts strung together. I feel the urge to post, but I have no one idea. Whatever. I’ll post them all.

It’s strange when a friend acts normally. I find that most people are odd and “normal” behavior is actually extremely rare, almost mythical. I was just chasing this “normal” around and almost succombed to the insanity of it when the light went on. I appreciate that it happened. I wish I had gotten there sooner. I feel like an asshole.

There are so many things I would like to do more often, get to the gym, shoot, take more pictures, write more. I am not accomplishing this. I let too many things get in the way, too many excuses become acceptable.

CSI is not on tv enough.

I am off most of my meds and I am beginning to feel it a little. Scattered thoughts and irritablity are my most recent traits. I hope that I can remain off of the pills, but the demon in my head is telling me no. Just the fact that a demon is in my head and speaking to me is probably a bad sign.