Sunday, February 05, 2006

Pain

Right now it is all pain. Pain, hurt, ache, pain in my head, heart, all over pain, no one will ever understand pain. I want to make it stop any way I can pain. The please make it stop hurt, hurting that I cannot articulate, that I don't understand myself.

One said, I hold people to an impossible measure, hoping they will rise but knowing they will fail me. I know that is true. It is that and more. It is also a hope that I will rise up and fail them, hurt forcing me to push them out and away, as if perfect is the only result good enough for those around me. The hurt I feel most of the time can only infect them and I hide it until they cross a line, make a move, use their independence, act like themselves. Then the pain is septic and I make that final push. The hurt becomes a regret of philosophical proportions. It is hard to feel wrong when propelled by such an inward belief that my pain is the right and only one.

My stomach churns with the knowing that this is who I am. I cannot not deal with change well. I have always turned to substances to lessen the blow and now that is not an option I want to choose. Instead, I cry. I say things I don't mean but believe so much that I mean them in the moment that I understand how people would call me crazy. On the other hand, I push through a strong persona, the one I think people might want, trying to salvage what little of the relationships around me might be left. All of the sudden it all becomes clear; the alternative is to be alone.

Grasp at everthing, all of it, that is my last best avenue. Save it all, the baby and the bathwater before they hit the ground. Prevent the crash at the last minute and all will be fine again. Those words, hurtful, painful, meant to cut through you words, can never be unsaid. Still, I try, because I don't want to go it as myself alone.

Realization hits after the frantic calms and sleep intercedes. Maybe its the meds, maybe its the food but a bit of serenity drips down my throat for just a moment. He is always there to help me, put up with me, hold me, feel my pain for me if he can. Fourteen years and I am still learning this. He is by my side. I am not alone. Even when I come up with crazy from the depths of my brain, he is there to interpret to me and to others. He is there to apologize, to cajole, to help me see the truth in my actions, even when listening is a quiet skill buried in all of the bullshit. He loves me no matter what. Time has proven that one thing out. He stands against my hurt and helps me know that I am not alone. I love him.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, you are not alone.
As long as you post here, you can not be alone.
Myself, and others check up regularly on you, looking for a new post.
I think it is because we care.

As long as anyone cares, you are not alone.

-S. Dragon

6/2/06 2:56 AM  
Blogger Firehand said...

Getting through a problem can be a cast iron bitch, no two ways about it.

Just keep going.

8/2/06 8:35 PM  

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