Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Message

I look at your image, your smoking image, every time I come in here and see the computer. You are thinking in that shot, maybe getting ready to say something with your smoking arm's elbow on the bar. Maybe you're just getting ready to take a drink. The shot looks up at you from the ground, a little out of focus, making you bigger than life. Often that is how I see you.

There is no apology really. There is never enough for something that I did in order to hurt you and myself at the same time, hurt that twindom. I wanted to see that look in your eyes, that was, until I saw it. It was such a darkness I saw around and behind and through your sockets. In that moment, regret flooded into my heart and into my mind and I knew how stupid I had been. I cannot bear to hurt you even when I just desperately want to hurt myself.

"Go lay on your little couch and think about how much you hurt the people who care about you," I think is what you said. I did as I was told and thought a lot about those who care about me. I thought a lot about you and your bigger-than-life image in my mind and role in my life. I need to change my perspective instead of destroying myself in its name. Maybe then I will stop desecrating what is good and celebrating what is bad. I hope you will be there for that.

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