Sunday, February 19, 2006


Sometimes I cry involuntarily when I type. I hate to do it. They run fast and hot right onto the keyboard, my hands, my shirt. This time I was typing an email to a friend about nothing really and the pressure behind the words just pushed the tears out and I feel like an ass. That or I feel like Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News" crying every morning before work. Good in the movie, bad if I'm not trying to exorcise something.

Obviously, I am. I am trying to reach out or I wouldn't have this blog. The loneliness of small talk over email makes me incredibly sad. I cannot seem to put myself first when I need to. I realize that I am actually crying over what I am not saying, what I don't allow myself to say. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel scared. I want to feel like I value myself. Why don't I just say that? Even though these may be universal emotions, I never want to be that person who says it. I am afraid of who I am.

There. Maybe the cry-typing can stop now.


Anonymous Steam Dragon said...

So did you go shooting yesterday?

19/2/06 4:58 PM  
Blogger redmemory1 said...

No, it's been too cold, if I can say that without groans.

19/2/06 5:04 PM  
Anonymous Steam Dragon said...

No, you cannot.


20/2/06 2:44 AM  
Blogger Firehand said...

Sometimes things build up, and they've got to come out somehow.

At least tears are better than breaking things; hard on the hands, among other things.

20/2/06 5:47 PM  

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