Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Pressure to Post

Sure I like it when my favorite blogs post new stuff. Who doesn't? The problem is the reversal of that. I can tell by my site meter that people are just checking in to see if I have written anything new. I can't blame them. I do the same thing. So here is a new post for all of us:

I feel pressure to write sometimes. It's not like someone is standing over me with a ruler or anything, but I do feel a need to post something (anything sometimes) and that is what I am feeling now. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say. I went to the gym, did three miles on the elliptical, had my blood drawn for my crazy meds, met up with some friends at a favorite place and came home and had dinner. Now CSI is on Spike. Nothing really to report. I just did anyway. This is the problem.

As another attempt to engage my readers, I would like to know this; is it better to post the events of my day, including the raman noodles, just to have a new post or should I just leave it alone? I would love to hear your thoughts. No pressure.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Friendship Abused 2

All is fine.

I hear that drugs make you paranoid.

Friendship Abused

James Frey has been kicked to the curb by Oprah. I wonder if he's going to stay sober. As for my own sobriety, I am wondering if I have lost a friend. Yesterday, while working hard to continue my binge, I returned a phone call when maybe I should not have. It is a friend who knows how I have been working toward sobriety. When he and I tried to have a conversation, I found it nearly impossible to follow his train of thought. The words just flew past me as I tried to grab them fruitlessly. The conversation ended with his knowledge of my activities and I could hear the anger in his voice.

It is a day later and I am sober. I have gone to the gym and fed myself. I am contrite. The question is, does it really matter? If he never knows who he is going to get when he calls, why would he call at all? Why waste time on me? If I can't answer these questions, how can he? I have not yet spoken with him. I want the opportunity but I'm not sure I deserve that chance. Consequences are very real sometimes.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Off The Wagon

Back to zero.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Bear With Me

I am testing Picassa. My friend, Pickett, took this photo.
 Posted by Picasa

Monday, January 23, 2006


How anonymous is someone when they spill everything but their name? My friend, Pickett, (who wanted me to use his name) has been begging me for an update. He tells me that he has become a fan of my blog. When discussing this, we began talking about the anonymity of blogging and how, sometimes, it feels a little dishonest and maybe a little ridiculous. My other friend, Mr. Slappyjack, disagrees. He feels that one should protect that identity no matter what. Especially don't post a picture! I am breaking a lot of rules apparently.

I did receive a comment that I was brave to post my picture (see below to A Self Portrait). I think I have been brave to post a lot of things; my drug use, my molestation etc., but I don't think my half-image on a blog that few read is a reason to call me brave. Afterall, if I am trying to be honest about myself, my image is a part of that, is it not? Especially when I took the picture.

So, ring in, readers. I would like to know how you feel about the subject of blogging and anonymity. You can even post your comments as "Anonymous."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Shooting as Rehab

Today I went to the range. I went with a friend, not my usual shooting friend, and operated in the capacity of a person who shoots, not as a student. I followed all safety rules and I shot well. None of this is really the point, although I am happy with myself for going, for knowing exactly how to use the weapon and for being able to handle the situation without help.

For the past four days I have desperately wanted to get high. Today, finally feeling too much pressure, I decided to try going to the range. Something about conquering my fear, firing a weapon, feeling the empowerment made me believe that maybe, at least temporarily, it would help me get over the urge that I was having trouble fighting.

I rented the Glock and fired fifty rounds. My friend suggested that I fire more quickly, that it would cause less drift, and this actually made it fun for me. It also helped me to shoot more consistently which was exciting. The rush I was seeking through narcotics was replaced by the thrill of hitting the center of the target and the feel of the gun in my hands. I no longer wanted to get high.

As I write this, I think back to when I used to be terrified. I think about how many times I had vomited at the sight of a gun or squirmed when I knew someone had one. It makes me wonder how many other things there are in my life that can be changed by just altering my perspective and experience in a healthy way. I do know that today, right now, I am sober. And I am proud of myself.

A Self Portrait

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Helping A Friend

Today, a friend asked me to talk to his mother. He wanted me to speak to her about his current attempt at sobriety and what that entails for him. It was an odd request, considering we are both adults in our thirties, but addiction and recovery bring all sorts of people together for all sorts of reasons.

I spoke with her over lunch and she is a lovely woman who is terrified for her son. She would like him to be in rehab right now. The entire conversation led me to consider all kinds of therapeutic avenues. I discussed several with her while trying to explain addiction. Eventually outpatient rehab and psychiatric help was decided and agreed upon by both parties. Addiction to drugs and her son's experience was somehow made more clear to her by me, although I'm not really sure how I did it. It was probably my honesty.

I was honest with her in a way that I have never been with a stranger. I discussed details of my own drug use and exposed myself to her in a way that was freeing yet terrifying for me. I laid it all out there and, after some inital anxiety, didn't care what she thought of me. I did it with the hope that she would see more clearly that my friend wants to be clean and sober and that it is a journey more than a one time decision. In fact, staying away from drugs can be a million decisions to stay sober every hour sometimes. This experience and her kindness toward me after hearing my story was definitely healing in a way that I never expected. It is so obvious but true that sometimes helping others can lead to helping yourself.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Odd Job Take Two

I had first written a post about my job and then removed it. This was the first post I ever deleted from my blog and hopefully the last.I am going to try to write about my job again, but in a way that doesn't make me feel vulnerable to retribution from my employers. This is much less interesting, I know, but safer all around.

I am a Personal Valet for an unmarried couple. The female, a disabled 36 yr old. cannot drive due to eye and brain damage from a kidnapping fifteen years ago. She was the only victim to escape the man who took her and she paid him back by testifying which resulted in 19 life sentences for him. Still, it's not enough for her as she continues to deal with physical and psychological ailments all due to this horrible and frightening experience. She often will recount the tales as I take her to the hair salon or to get her nails done.

The male, around 55 yrs old, has an educated and "interesting" past. He often has me help with his technology or has me run to Fry's for something. I get to that electronics store about once a week, and frankly, that gets old. Otherwise, I retrieve the lunches he buys for their doctors' offices and then deliver them promptly by noon. The office girls find this habit odd but generous as they order that extra dessert since its on him. He is nothing but old school in most every way.

For reasons I don't feel comfortable discussing, I need to quit my job. It is definitely odd and interesting and some of the time, like anything else, its a grind. I have not done anything illegal yet but it is one of those jobs that makes for good cocktail talk but is bad as a life choice. Since my pursuit is to make better life choices, I realize it is time to look elsewhere.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Who Doesn't Get High On New Year's Eve?

So I tumbled off of the proverbial wagon on New Years. I went out, just like everyone else in Las Vegas, and began drinking and then passed through that gateway into other things. It is never difficult for me to bump into that opportunity and on this night, it was even easier.

I could waste time talking about how I wasn't "as wasted" or didn't partake "as much" but I know that none of that matters in my pursuit of a normal, stable life. Here's the rub; I had a really good time and then worked on my book for the next two days, pounding out pages that I'm pretty proud of. Now I will never know if that would have happened without the drugs.

This post was delayed because I wanted to make sure it was a one-time slide into oblivion. Often, when I choose the opportunity to get high, I chase it for the following days, wanting to continue to get high for a week or so. This time, that did not happen. My resolve returned with the advent of 2006.

I don't believe in resolutions. I only hope that I will be strong enough to make better decisions in the year ahead. Because I do know that everyone doesn't get high on New Year's Eve.