Sunday, November 06, 2005

True Nightmares

I have nightmares.

I fall asleep and they begin as soon as I hit REM sleep. Immediately I am transported to the bathroom I grew up using. I am in the tub and I am ten years old, trying to get the last bit of shampoo out of a bottle of Breck shampoo and I can smell it. The bathroom tiles are the same gold color of both the bottle and the shampoo. I am runnning the water and pulling the drain intermittently since in my house we never ran out of hot water. My father made sure to engineer a system that not only guaranteed perpetual hot water but also hot water that would scald instantly if the user wasn't careful.

The door knob, unable to lock to this day, turned and he walks in. Soon he is naked and behind me in the water. I never see his face although I know it is my brother. He is older, bigger and he is touching me without care. His hands are pushing me over, face toward the water and he is trying to put his member into me but it is too big for my little body. He keeps trying and I am quiet, distant in my mind. I am anywhere but in that tub in that moment. I am thinking about getting away, running away but I know I will never go anywhere.

He fondles me and holds onto himself in order to get off. There is no violence in the dream this time, only the violence of being violated. I look away from the water in front of me and toward the sinks. I see the little children's chair that converts to a step stool and I think about myself standing there and brushing my teeth without fear of someone, of my brother, opening the door uninvited. I know that will never happen again. Maybe I am tall enough to stop using the stool.

He leaves the bathroom and I wonder what my parents are doing downstairs. Arguing is the usual answer, that or watching the news. I get ready for bed as my mother yells up to me, "Are you clean?" If I weren't ten that would be a loaded question.

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