Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Blame

I've always held that blame gets you nowhere. In my mind, you assess the problem, find a solution and move on. Blame has no place in the fixing of things, or so I had always thought. Today, I had a bit of a realization after I left my counselor's office. Isn't that always the way? The hardest work happens right after you leave the damn place.

While reviewing my feelings about my brother, the molestation, my parents and the rest of my family in this ugly equation, I began talking to the counselor about my parents' role in all of it. My parents would leave me home alone with my brother often, thinking he could "watch" me while they went out. They had no idea what that really meant. Maybe they should have, but I have always maintained that that wasn't their fault. Then I finished my session today and left for home.

I couldn't stop thinking about my parents and how they didn't know, or more importantly, didn't notice. At one point, my brother was molesting me in the back seat of the car while my parents were in the front. If nothing else, at such close proximity, someone should have noticed something. Anything. Someone should have stopped it right then. Obviously, I couldn't. I was just a ten year old who was afraid of what would happen if she told. Why didn't they see? Someone should have seen something.

They should have noticed. Malicious? No. Negligent? Yes. That feels harsh to me but it is true. Their job on this planet was to protect me and they didn't do it. It wasn't that they didn't want to or that they wanted me to be hurt, they just didn't see what was right behind them in that car, right below them in that basement, right next to them in that bathroom and right before them when they came in from the garage. It was under blankets and in the dark and behind the train table but it was there. I know because it happened to me and my brother is responsible. The problem is, it really hurts to now know that they too are to blame.

4 Comments:

Blogger Firehand said...

It's not a good thought, but maybe they did notice, and couldn't make themselves do something about it. I've noticed that on some people; they'd rather not 'notice' something of the type because then they'd HAVE to do something about it, which would mean a really nasty situation, and some people would rather be willfully blind.

Could also be that they did notice something, but the possibility that it actually was molestation was so unbelievable that they couldn't/didn't deal with it.

Or I could be greatly full of crap. Enough people have said so.

30/11/05 5:46 PM  
Blogger redmemory1 said...

No, I don't think that you are full of crap. I'm also not sure that it matters if they did or did not notice, when the result was the same. The molestation continued because no one, including myself, did anything to stop it.

Fortunately, my brother stopped doing it when I was 12. I will never know why he stopped. I am just grateful he did.

Thank you for the comment. Your thoughts mean a lot.

1/12/05 11:30 AM  
Blogger Firehand said...

True enough, whatever the reason it doesn't change what happened.

You're quite welcome. Like my masthead says, opinions worth all you pay for them.

1/12/05 6:20 PM  
Blogger Steaming Dragon said...

Could it be that your parents (or one of them) did notice, and got your brother to stop when you wer 12?
I know it is a stretch, but I have had to "manage" situations that involve my children. I have not always done so in a manner that I would want my children to emulate.
Therefore, I did not let my children know how or even that I had, "handled it."

Looking back, this may very well be because I was and am embarassed by the methods I used at the time.
But they worked.

4/12/05 6:41 AM  

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