Thursday, November 17, 2005

Bang



I used to be terrified of guns.

I let myself be afraid of guns until someone came into my life and convinced me that I didn't need to be afraid anymore. Once I began my education of firearms, my nightmares absorbed the information too and used it against me in my sleep. My brother no longer went after me unarmed. I not only wanted to conquer an unrelated fear in order to grow, I then had to defeat it because nothing was unrelated anymore.

On October 15, a friend came to the house and began the exposure for me. Pieces of guns, bullets all placed slowly one at a time in front of me. Honestly, this was more difficult than when the gun was pieced together. I still don't know why. It could be because it was my first exposure to a handgun ever, even if it was in pieces, and I was very afraid.

The next day I felt strong, almost buoyed by the previous evening's survival and lack of vomit at the sight of the weapons. I slept without dreams that night and felt positive that going to the range would only help more in that area. It was a beautiful day and I felt pretty solid until we got to the outdoor range.

Other people were there in their own little slots and I could hear their guns firing without warning. I am jumpy anyway and the noises did frighten me. We plunged ahead and I was careful to try to remember everything that I was taught as he and another helped me to do everything safely and correctly.

I wish I could remember that first time I pulled the trigger. I remember the feeling of the gun in my hand, looking down the sites, feeling my heart pound out of my body shaking my hands. I remember the moment I clamped my eyes shut after I pulled the trigger, but there is no memory there of that first time. After that, I shot the rest of the day and the nerves reduced. I became more interested in doing well than just doing it and the fear relaxed.At no point did I throw up. I even hit a bullseye and hung the target on the wall at home. I was and am so proud of myself.

This past weekend I went shooting again. Although the noises and other people shooting still makes me very nervous, I managed to shoot at an indoor range and I did pretty well. I didn't forget what I had been taught and I was not afraid of the weapon at all. Both times after I went to the range, my nightmares disappeared for a few days. If I could, I would shoot every day just to sleep at night. I suppose that is why so many people own guns, so they can sleep at night. One way or another, it is all about conquering fear.

11 Comments:

Anonymous SlappyJack said...

I do have to say, for someone that didn't like guns that much, the girl is a damn good shot.

17/11/05 2:07 PM  
Blogger AlanDP said...

I just found your blog through the Gunblogs Webring and after reading it, I immediately added you to my blogroll. It must be very emotionally and mentally exhausting to write what you're writing about, but I hope you can keep up the blog.

24/11/05 3:12 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Welcome to the world of the living.
Shooting is one of the healthiest pastimes there is.
And, for you, helps you to sleep at nite. Gain proficiency with your friends help, then get a gun of your own. A .22 pistol or revolver is cheap to feed.
Go shooting, clean your gun, get some sleep.
Again, welcome.

I've added you to my blogroll.
My contact info is on my blog, if you ever want to go shooting in my part of Ohio.

27/11/05 4:12 PM  
Blogger Firehand said...

Welcome to the gunny world! Where loud noises and creating holes in objects is a GOOD thing.

Found you from Kevin's post, I'll be checking back

27/11/05 6:19 PM  
Blogger Zendo Deb said...

great post!

A little bit of fear is good... keeps you safe! But they are just machines - guns - and won't attack you. Maybe not fear, but respect.

Lot's of fun stuff to do, from competitions like Bullseye (2700 pistol) to Cowboy Action Shooting - where people spend a lot on costumes, and always look like they are having fun!

Good luck.

27/11/05 7:01 PM  
Blogger Jay.Mac said...

Came here from Smallest Minority. Just wanted to congratulate you on your effort. The hardest thing to overcome is fear itself. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

All the best.

28/11/05 4:19 AM  
Anonymous David said...

keep fighting.. and in your nightmares make sure you're carrying. Let it work for you instead of against you. You know the feel of the gun in your hand. You're protected. No one can hurt you now.

28/11/05 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Hark said...

There is nothing wrong with being nervous about the gun range. I think everyone is nervous the first time they shoot. It is not only because of the power that a gun gives you, but the fact that you must take responsibility for the handling and safety of the weapon. With the damage they can inflict this is a serious responsibility.

Keep it up. My sister has bad dreams as well, she bought a book that interprets the content to help her study her unconscious.

Good luck with everything.

28/11/05 7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very empowering! Thanks for your post. I'm holding a vision of you being...MORE!

29/11/05 9:48 AM  
Blogger Xavier said...

Welcome to the world of the Sheepdog.

Excellent writing BTW!

29/11/05 7:53 PM  
Blogger Zendo Deb said...

I know it is a week late, but I think this post should be submitted to the Carnival of Cordite. The easy way is to submit via Conservative Cat's Carnival page. Just select the Canival and fill in the form.

This is a first rate piece of writing.

30/11/05 4:58 PM  

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