Sunday, November 13, 2005

Addiction

There is always a moment when the decision is made to get high. It is miniscule, a crack in an average resolve, but when it shows itself, the "only one time, it's no big deal" justifications float through my mind and it is impossible to ignore. What my mind is telling me in that moment is, "you deserve to do this. You've worked so hard not to do this therefore you DESERVE to trash all of that good work for a few hours of feeling good." So cliche. So stupid. That is what happened last night.

I went somewhere where I knew substances would abound and thought that I could stick to my two drink no drugs rule anyway. I held out for a few hours actually and then that moment came. That miniscule moment when I decided that it's ok to start again, it's ok to put more crap into my battered body, it's ok to kill all those brain cells and wake up throttled and raw, it's ok to fuck with my medication because I deserve it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

The worst part is the disappointment in myself and knowing that in the miniscule, life-changing moments that decide this behavior, I don't care at all about the disappointment. I don't care about anything once I have given into the moment and the draw to escape. I especially don't care about the next day, hour or minute or staying sober for them.

So, I am on day zero once again. I hate it here. I deserve it.

2 Comments:

Anonymous George Atkisson said...

Hi! Got the link from The Smallest Minority. I decided to comment on this post, because I've had to deal with addiction most of my life. Not in my self, but brother, sisters, and ex-wife. I obviously can't claim to understand addiction, but I have learned enough to know that the addiction is not who you are. It doesn't define you.
AA has kept my ex clean and sober for 20 years (we didn't break up over that). Just a suggestion, there a LOT of different AA groups and each has its own "flavor".
I wish I could tell you it is easy, but we both know it's not. What it is, is doable, with help.

27/11/05 3:29 PM  
Blogger infidelharlot said...

Stop deserving it, stop doing it.

Stop doing it, stop deserving it.

Don't give up. You are better than you think you are.

10/1/06 11:10 AM  

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