Sunday, September 17, 2006

Late Night Ramblings

I realized that I hadn't posted anything in so long that it was getting embarrassing. I have been replacing a lot of the writing with photography lately, mostly because it seems easier at times to frame a moment than to craft one, although it's a dangerous trick to begin thinking like that I think. Photographs are seductive and much more difficult for me to be objective about. Still, typing ideas out for all to read somehow is more threatening, and makes me feel all the more vulnerable, so I find other things to fill my time in order to avoid placing my thoughts here.

I wish I could say that it was getting easier for me to extend myself here, but from the beginning it has been a difficult exericise for me to reach out across the abyss. I have been greated with great respect and affection for my efforts and that has made it easier. Still, my fear of expression exists and is strong. Thus, there are great gaps between my entries. I have a lot of admiration for those of you who can do this on a regular basis.

In an attempt to stay on the path, I keep at it. Sorry it's been so long. Hopefully next time, I'll actually have something more than a few ramblings.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Shooting on a Sunday

It was hot. Everything is hot in Vegas right now, including the range. I was still thrilled to be there with my friend and so happy to be shooting once again. It has been way too long since I have been and life has been busy to say the least. Still, it was a lesson in why I shouldn't wait between visits to the range. I really didn't shoot that well.

That may be an understatement. By the last five rounds I had made it to the center consistently, but I shot poorly enough that there is no photo of my target here. Such shame. In the beginning, I was anticipating too much and pulling up. Then I was over-correcting. Then my sight picture was off. Then I wasn't breathing and leaning into it. So many habits had fallen away. It was an exercise in relearning a lot of things.

The good news? I was really relaxed and mostly undaunted by the noises around me. I didn't forget any of the safety rules and lessons and I was able to handle the firearm (Glock 9mm) without a problem. I had a really good time and I am looking forward to going back soon. Even if it is really hot.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Rest In Peace

The woman I worked for and took care of in my last job passed away.

She was found a quarter mile off the coast of Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean face down on her float. She was 36.

She loved Hawaii. I hope that she fell asleep in the sun. She had a difficult life most of the time. Still, I will miss her.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Back to Work

After a gentle prodding today, I decided to post about the job. It has been challenging to work again, to put aside the fear of the unknown, and to work in a regular office again. It also has been good for me to keep a regular schedule. I have picked up a regular coffee habit as well. All is progressing smoothly in my new job.

They have noticed that I am picking up the tasks ok and seem to be handling things so today I was given more responsibility. Not too bad for the end of week two. I feel pretty good since they are already letting me do more creative work. They also laugh at me when I screw up on the phones, which is good, since I do that all day long.

So, I have become a member of the work force, and it's that work force that doesn't include illicit drugs or porn. Another goal reached. Now, I am just waiting on that first paycheck.

Friday, July 07, 2006

A Job!

Just when I decided to bitch about it, an interview turned into a job. Now I am assuming I will bitch about the job. Isn't that how things are supposed to work?

I begin this foray into employment again on Monday and I am excited mostly about beginning something where I know little and can actually get paid to learn something. I can also use the cash to actually go and have some fun that I might actually remember and enjoy, since I am now sober 27 days. Going to the range is definitely on that list. So is saving for a nice camera. It is pretty amazing what a job can do when you actually have one and you're not spending all of that money in a bar or in other such places.

It is possible that the wish list is a little premature but I am giving myself a little leeway right now. It has been a while since I have allowed such a regular life hope to creep into my head-down-keep-going-something-will-break attitude toward this whole life pursuit of normalcy that I think it's ok to want a little range time or a new camera or a little shopping time. Christ, I don't even know what normal is, but that sounds pretty normal to me. Maybe that's just one more thing I can learn at the new job.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Searching for Any Employment

Am I ready to flip the proverbial burger? Almost. Am I over the edge? Almost. Today, just as I thought I would actually go out and fill out any minimum wage application I could find, things finally began to break. But it hasn't been a road of many successes.

The next time I quit a job because the activities of my employers are less than above the table, I may think twice. Regardless of where the money comes from, the cash is always nice to have, especially when its not there anymore. I have been sending out resumes and registering with temp agencies for three weeks now. The silence has been deafening. Much like Las Vegas at 107, nothing was moving. The cash dwindled. Broke and broken. Who really wants those two words to apply to them?

So, today I got up, sent resumes, followed up on resumes, called agencies and wow! Got a little gig and an interview! It's not much really, but it's a smoke signal of sorts. Something that tells me to hang on, don't go back to the phone sex industry yet, don't find another illicit way to make money yet. Stay in the legitimate work world. You will find something. Anything. Afterall, there is no shame in that proverbial burger.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Shooting Question

A friend called the other night for other reasons. He happens to be the friend who introduced me to firearms.

"So, are you still shooting?"

He was pleased to hear that I am. I'm sure I am like anyone else. I don't get to the range as much as I'd like for several reasons. The funny thing is, other people ask me this question from time to time, people I don't expect to ask. This makes me realize that I am becoming identified as someone who shoots. I am not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure what that means, honestly.

I read others, consider my own ideas and keep and open mind but I cannot deny the power behind this habit or hobby I have picked up. While I wrestle with the questions of my own belief system, my 7yr old nephew is in love with guns. It has been 9 months since I have fired my first gun. Now it is time to reconcile some of the questions that go along with that.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Giving Up On Altering My Mind

It has been six days and counting. At first I thought, "sure, I can go to a few meetings, it will all be fine." That was day one after the first meeting. That was after the sobbing and the fear and the apprehension of walking into a strange place where everyone could read the sign on my huge forehead that said "newcomer."

That was really my second thought. My first thought was, "Oh my god, I need to figure out how to stop destroying myself." My good friend, my best friend, was sitting there once again, trying not to repeat what he's said again and again and again when I finally made a decision to change my behavior. I could feel his words upon me even when he wasn't saying them; get the shit out of my life, simplify, stop getting in my own way. Then there was my counselor's words. He had given me The List of things I could do to deal with my pain and angst; go to the gym, breathe, meditate, go to a meeting, call someone I trust. This was not a list I really wanted to work off of, but again, I didn't have a choice anymore.

Nobody wants to be a stereotype. I have friends who have responded as if I have joined a cult. All I do know is that it has only been six very long days and I am proud to be where I am instead of with my head in the toilet somewhere or in a bar when the sun comes up.